🔗 Share this article The Advice given by A Father Which Saved Us when I became a First-Time Father "I think I was merely trying to survive for a year." Former reality TV star Ryan Libbey expected to manage the challenges of being a father. However the reality quickly proved to be "completely different" to his expectations. Severe health complications surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise hospitalised. All of a sudden he was pushed into becoming her main carer while also taking care of their newborn son Leo. "I handled all the nights, every change… each outing. The role of mother and father," Ryan shared. Following nearly a year he became exhausted. That was when a chat with his parent, on a park bench, that made him realise he required support. The direct phrases "You're not in a good spot. You need support. In what way can I support you?" paved the way for Ryan to talk openly, look for assistance and regain his footing. His story is commonplace, but rarely discussed. While the public is now more accustomed to discussing the pressure on mothers and about PND, far less attention is paid about the struggles new fathers face. 'It's not weak to request support' Ryan thinks his struggles are symptomatic of a larger inability to talk between men, who continue to internalise damaging notions of masculinity. Men, he says, often feel they must be "the fortress that just gets smashed and stays upright with each wave." "It's not a sign of being weak to seek help. I didn't do that fast enough," he explains. Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist who studies mental health surrounding childbirth, notes men often don't want to accept they're struggling. They can think they are "not a legitimate person to be seeking help" - especially in preference to a mother and child - but she highlights their mental health is equally important to the household. Ryan's conversation with his dad provided him with the space to take a respite - taking a couple of days away, away from the domestic setting, to see things clearly. He realised he needed to make a adjustment to focus on his and his partner's emotional states in addition to the practical tasks of looking after a infant. When he shared with Louise, he realised he'd overlooked "what she longed for" -physical connection and hearing her out. 'Parenting yourself That insight has transformed how Ryan views being a dad. He's now composing Leo regular notes about his journey as a dad, which he hopes his son will see as he matures. Ryan believes these will help his son better understand the language of feelings and understand his parenting choices. The concept of "self-parenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four. During his childhood Stephen did not have stable male a father figure. Despite having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, long-standing difficult experiences meant his father found it hard to cope and was "in and out" of his life, affecting their relationship. Stephen says suppressing emotions led him to make "terrible decisions" when younger to modify how he felt, turning in drink and drugs as an escape from the hurt. "You turn to things that don't help," he explains. "They may briefly alter how you are feeling, but they will eventually make things worse." Advice for Managing as a First-Time Parent Share with someone - if you're feeling swamped, tell a trusted person, your spouse or a therapist how you're feeling. It can help to reduce the stress and make you feel more supported. Remember your hobbies - keep doing the activities that made you feel like yourself before having a baby. This might be going for a run, meeting up with mates or gaming. Look after the body - eating well, staying active and where possible, sleep, all play a role in how your emotional health is doing. Connect with other first-time fathers - sharing their journeys, the challenges, and also the joys, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling. Know that requesting help does not mean you've failed - prioritising you is the optimal method you can look after your loved ones. When his father later died by suicide, Stephen understandably had difficulty processing the death, having had no contact with him for years. Now being a father himself, Stephen's committed not to "repeat the pattern" with his child and instead provide the security and emotional support he missed out on. When his son starts to have a meltdown, for example, they practise "releasing the emotion" together - managing the emotions in a healthy way. Both Ryan and Stephen explain they have become improved and more well-rounded men because they faced their issues, altered how they communicate, and figured out how to manage themselves for their sons. "I am now more capable of… processing things and handling things," states Stephen. "I put that down in a note to Leo recently," Ryan shares. "I said, sometimes I think my purpose is to instruct and tell you on life, but the truth is, it's a exchange. I am understanding an equal amount as you are through this experience."
"I think I was merely trying to survive for a year." Former reality TV star Ryan Libbey expected to manage the challenges of being a father. However the reality quickly proved to be "completely different" to his expectations. Severe health complications surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise hospitalised. All of a sudden he was pushed into becoming her main carer while also taking care of their newborn son Leo. "I handled all the nights, every change… each outing. The role of mother and father," Ryan shared. Following nearly a year he became exhausted. That was when a chat with his parent, on a park bench, that made him realise he required support. The direct phrases "You're not in a good spot. You need support. In what way can I support you?" paved the way for Ryan to talk openly, look for assistance and regain his footing. His story is commonplace, but rarely discussed. While the public is now more accustomed to discussing the pressure on mothers and about PND, far less attention is paid about the struggles new fathers face. 'It's not weak to request support' Ryan thinks his struggles are symptomatic of a larger inability to talk between men, who continue to internalise damaging notions of masculinity. Men, he says, often feel they must be "the fortress that just gets smashed and stays upright with each wave." "It's not a sign of being weak to seek help. I didn't do that fast enough," he explains. Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist who studies mental health surrounding childbirth, notes men often don't want to accept they're struggling. They can think they are "not a legitimate person to be seeking help" - especially in preference to a mother and child - but she highlights their mental health is equally important to the household. Ryan's conversation with his dad provided him with the space to take a respite - taking a couple of days away, away from the domestic setting, to see things clearly. He realised he needed to make a adjustment to focus on his and his partner's emotional states in addition to the practical tasks of looking after a infant. When he shared with Louise, he realised he'd overlooked "what she longed for" -physical connection and hearing her out. 'Parenting yourself That insight has transformed how Ryan views being a dad. He's now composing Leo regular notes about his journey as a dad, which he hopes his son will see as he matures. Ryan believes these will help his son better understand the language of feelings and understand his parenting choices. The concept of "self-parenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four. During his childhood Stephen did not have stable male a father figure. Despite having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, long-standing difficult experiences meant his father found it hard to cope and was "in and out" of his life, affecting their relationship. Stephen says suppressing emotions led him to make "terrible decisions" when younger to modify how he felt, turning in drink and drugs as an escape from the hurt. "You turn to things that don't help," he explains. "They may briefly alter how you are feeling, but they will eventually make things worse." Advice for Managing as a First-Time Parent Share with someone - if you're feeling swamped, tell a trusted person, your spouse or a therapist how you're feeling. It can help to reduce the stress and make you feel more supported. Remember your hobbies - keep doing the activities that made you feel like yourself before having a baby. This might be going for a run, meeting up with mates or gaming. Look after the body - eating well, staying active and where possible, sleep, all play a role in how your emotional health is doing. Connect with other first-time fathers - sharing their journeys, the challenges, and also the joys, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling. Know that requesting help does not mean you've failed - prioritising you is the optimal method you can look after your loved ones. When his father later died by suicide, Stephen understandably had difficulty processing the death, having had no contact with him for years. Now being a father himself, Stephen's committed not to "repeat the pattern" with his child and instead provide the security and emotional support he missed out on. When his son starts to have a meltdown, for example, they practise "releasing the emotion" together - managing the emotions in a healthy way. Both Ryan and Stephen explain they have become improved and more well-rounded men because they faced their issues, altered how they communicate, and figured out how to manage themselves for their sons. "I am now more capable of… processing things and handling things," states Stephen. "I put that down in a note to Leo recently," Ryan shares. "I said, sometimes I think my purpose is to instruct and tell you on life, but the truth is, it's a exchange. I am understanding an equal amount as you are through this experience."